It would be impossible for me to miss the date of the last post. It pains me to know that it has been that long since the last time I had something worthwhile to say. Ok, so the truth is that I have been dying to post about 50 things, but who has time? I know, I know, “excuses, excuses…”

Well then, let me say that I would love to finish the piece on Interpol, but they seem so passé now. My analysis of Gunther Schuller’s 1960s idea of the “complete musician” is something just too involved for my current, very heavy workload, I’m sorry to say. Yes, I have a follow up about the Decemberists which basically says that Dave was right. How about an interview with the incredible drummer/composer/record label head honcho, Kendrick Scott? Got it. I even have most of a follow up to this blog’s current “hit,” which is a review of the complete works of Rush. Yes, that’s what I said, “Rush.”

So, rather than finish any of those fascinating – dare I say “brilliant?” – posts, here’s a quick non sequitur. I recently stumbled across the site WikiHow, and immediately asked myself, “what do I wish I knew how to do?” The answer, as should be obvious to most of you, is to be a jazz musician. So I present to you, herein, several of the 24 steps to becoming a jazz musician, as told by WikiHow. For your listening and dining pleasure, the full list can be viewed here.

First off, as a student of mine pointed out today, the 24 steps it takes to become a jazz musician, according to WikiHow, are twice the number of steps in a traditional 12-step program. It’s just further proof that being a jazz musician is tricky business.

As for the How To list, let’s start at the beginning:

Step 1: Listen to a lot of jazz music. Charlie Parker, Thelonious Monk, Ella Fitzgerald, Miles Davis, John Coltrane, Charles Mingus, Eric Dolphy, Pepper Adams, Louis Armstrong, Chet Baker, McCoy Tyner, Art Tatum, Sidney Bechet, Oscar Peterson, Al Jarreau, Ray Brown, John Scofield, David Benoit, and Peter White are all excellent and very different jazz artists.

This makes me think that a) the above list is comprehensive, and so any musicians you are currently listening to who do not appear on the list are not actually jazz musicians; and b) the smooth jazz stylings of David Benoit are classified as “jazz,” whereas other GRP artists, like the Rippingtons, are not. I’m not sure how one decides which smooth jazz artists to include, and which to leave out, but let us just be happy that no more discussion of Kenny G is necessary.

Step 3: Jazz often have a triplet feel called ‘swing.’ It can be explained many different ways, but the best way to learn it is just to listen to jazz. However, be wary; artists such as Monk and Mingus have distinctive styles of swing that may not sound good on all charts.

I agree completely that “jazz often have a triplet feel called ‘swing,'” grammatical transgressions notwithstanding. I also agree that listening is the best way to learn. But I have a very hard time arriving at any conclusion stating that Monk and Mingus “may not sound good” no matter how many tunes are involved. [N.B., since both Monk & Mingus were notorious for teaching their sidemen the music by ear, let us just omit the term “charts” completely.]

Step 4: Train your ears and brains.

Really, no elaboration is necessary re: step 4.

Step 5: Pay attention to the beats per measure, and the notes to match.

No elaboration is given, insofar as step 5 is concerned, but I must confess that I’m longing to hear more. Perhaps we can use steps 12 through 16 as a guide (I’ll paraphrase):

Step 12: Play a chromatic scale on your piano.
Step 13: Hold each note for exactly 2 beats.
Step 14: Play a blues scale. There are many different blues scales [N.B., no there are not.]
Step 15: Play your chromatic scale in your left hand, and hold each note for two beats.
Step 16: Choose [the pitch ‘C’] (middle, high, etc.), and play it repeatedly with your right hand at the same time as you play the chromatic scale with your left.

Got it? Good, because now you are playing jazz. This 24-step approach is a landmine treasure trove of helpful information, but none better than the last section: tips.

• A good instrument
• nimble fingers
• patience and time
• Basic knowledge of reading music and playing notes
• Jazz and blues music to listen to
• A metronome

Now, I love this list. I agree completely that a good instrument is extremely helpful, and that – although I would never have said it this way – “nimble fingers” are wonderful in developing sufficient technique. As for “patience and time,” well I agree although I’m wondering when I will have either of those again. But the “basic knowledge” bit just slays me.

Anyway, aspiring jazz musicians, please take this list and glean as much as possible from it. Cost of a B.M. and M.M. in music? Roughly $120K. Cost of this download? Priceless.

Best,

Rick